where I've been

So, although I don't think there are very many of you who regularly read this blog, just in case there's one lone soul out there who was curious as to where I disappeared to, I'll acknowledge the fact that I have been AWOL.

I don't really have any excuses, I really just became busy with school work, friends, life and all that. I also just became unmotivated to write in general, both my novel as well as this blog. There was a huge turn around in my life in the last couple of months, that really consumed all my energy and thoughts.

I won't dwell on it too much, because I've talked/wrote/thought about it far too much, but it's really inspired me to take a new turn in my writing, and I've started a small non-fiction project. It feels so promising and I'm extremely excited.

Back to this whole "life change thing". In short (if it's possible to put it in short), in late December I made the decision to leave the relationship I had been in for almost 4 years (for many, many reasons) and pursue things with someone who I've met at my college. I mean, that really is the most vague and short way to put it, because it's way more complicated than that, and maybe one day I'll blog about it, but for right now I'll keep it simply as that for the sake of everyone involved, including myself.

This was probably the most evolutionary decision of my life for many reasons, and it really felt freeing, to be in control of my life and the choices I've made. I am not the type of person to shake things up in my life or initiate any sort of change, but it got to the point where I couldn't deny myself of the happiness that I knew I deserved and needed, and choosing to make these life changes has brought me that. I'm glad that I came into the new year with this positive energy and happiness that makes every day so much brighter.

Coming back to this blog was extremely spur of the moment, literally I decided 10 minutes ago to post something. I just didn't have it in me anymore, I have been journaling constantly and felt like I was getting my creative outlet in other places, but there was something so thought provoking about this activity, and I think that's good for me.

I don't know if I'll keep up with the daily blog posts, that was pretty time consuming, but I will as frequently and avidly as I can with my courses I'm taking this semester. I hope I still have this motivation tomorrow, because I really did decide this less than 30 minutes ago, and I tend to be a stop and go kind of person. Regardless, I feel as if I have a lot to say to the world right now, even if the only people who read this are my friends who I sit down and force to.

MUSIC MONDAY #3

Some songs I've been digging lately, I couldn't pick just one so here's a few.

• When I'm With You- Ben Rector 
• Everything about this song is perfect; the drums, the guitar, the vocals, the lyrics. I listen to it when I walk to class in the morning because it makes me feel really happy.

• Let's Talk About Your Hair- Have Mercy
• I love the lyrics in this song. They're so raw and emotional and they make me sad and happy and angry all at the same time. (listen if in need of angst) 

• Shut Up And Dance- Walk The Moon
• Just shut up and dance to it. 

• Back Together- Jesse McCartney 
• It's like throwback jesse music, except it's not a throwback.

• Over You- Graffiti6 
• VOCALS.

• Why Try- Ariana Grande 
• She's such a powerhouse with her vocals and her lyrics in this song really get to me; this song gets me going. 

• Skinny- Pegasus Bridge
• such a feel good song from the very first note.

home

“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”- Sarah Dessen

While I've been away at college, I've been thinking of what defines 'home'. I've thought about this every time I ask my roommate, "When are you coming home?" or when someone asks me, "I'll drop you off at home" or, "Hey, I just got home!"

It's weird to think that I have more than one home now, that I'll probably have more than one home for the rest of my life. I don't know if I feel at home here just yet, but it's becoming more and more comfortable each day, and I don't think it's my body adjusting to it. I think it's more than familiarity that changes what you call home. It's people. I wouldn't feel at home if I had never made friends.

And it's odd to think that anywhere in this entire world can be my home. I'm at this weird life-limbo, where I can end up anywhere at this point, depending on where life drags me. I like that while at the same time, it scares the hell out of me. 

Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, maybe I don't need to define everything in my life so quickly. I feel that way about a lot of things; defining my career, my friendships, my passions. I always feel like I need to be 100% sure of everything, when that's just not possible when you're 18 living on your own for the first time. 

But back to what I was saying about home. Like the quote above says, home is a moment. I feel at home when I'm laughing until I feel like I'm going to pee my pants with my best friends. Home is when I hug someone I haven't seen in months. Home is where my family is, but it's also where my heart is. And maybe I'm just too sentimental of a person, but I feel like I keep the places I go in my heart all the time, and build this 20 story building of homes in my heart, and I keep it all there. 

I like the idea of that; I'll always have somewhere to call home. 

WHAT'S UP WEDNESDAY #2

                                                        
What I’m Reading: Right now, I'm reading Earthbound by Aprilynne Pike. I picked this book up on a whim, not knowing what to expect. I absolutely loved her book Wings back in middle school, so I was really REALLY hopeful for it. I haven't picked up a quality fantasy that's pulled me in from the first line in a long time, and I'm so happy because this one did. I can't even tell you what the book is about yet because it's so mysterious right now. I just really recommend it as of right now.
What I’m Writing: Well, as of right now I've only been writing a paper for one of my classes, so I haven't even touched my manuscript; I haven't even had time to update my blog in the last couple of days. So hello, college workload, thanks for creeping up on me like that.
What Inspires Me Right Now: Well, I would love to say that the beautiful city I'm living in right now is inspiring me, but I've yet to go out and see any of the sights of this beautiful place, besides the campus. But I have been meeting SO many different kinds of people here, so many different majors and lifestyles and personalities. I just really like it. I wanted to come here and find people that were just like my friends at home, but I'm starting to realize that that's not what I should be doing. I should be wanting to meet people that I would never have talked to if I hadn't come and lived here. I like that I'm surprising myself with the people I'm surrounding myself with. I feel like I'm unwrapping all these little packages as I meet and get to know new people. Maybe that sounds weird but when you go to school with the same people for so long, even just through high school, you forget what it's like to make a million different friends. It's exciting to not know who I'll be best friends with by the end of this year. I like that a lot.
What Else Is New: I've just been studying a lot. And not writing a lot. And I joined the newspaper. That's pretty exciting, but other than that I've just been living life and going day by day.

a simple life update

I'm sure you're all DYING to know what's going on in my life right now (just kidding, i highly doubt any of you are that curious) so I figured I'd give you a quick update on what I'm up to.

So as I've mentioned before, I'm venturing into my first year of university! I'm about 4 weeks into the school year, and things have been going really well.

I will admit, in the beginning, I had a really hard time adjusting. I'm far from home, had no friends, and felt exceptionally lonely. With that being said, I obviously am doing a lot better. I'm not as lonely (thanks to my awesome new friends) and although I miss home a lot sometimes, and mostly miss the people back home, I'm still happy here. I love my room, my friends, and being independent for the most part. My class are alright, but I'd love a writing course next semester.
I know this blog post is painfully boring, but I figured I'd throw this into my daily posting just so you all know how I'm doing and what I'm up to.
I guess all I'm saying is I'd doing really well, and I think college is such a great time to find yourself and create yourself. I don't think you should go to college and feel like you NEED to change into some super cool outgoing show stopper person, but you can be anything, you can change your habits, you can try new things; these people don't know you the way everyone in your home town does, and that means a clean slate. I think that's awesome. It feels refreshing and scary and exhilarating all at the same time.
Hopefully I'll be coming up with a book review or a writing post soon, so stay tuned for that! If you've been reading my blog at all, thank you so much for even caring, you all rock. 

strengths

I haven't felt very comfortable trying to give advice here, because I am deeply unqualified to be advising ANYONE on anything, but I thought it would at least be okay to talk about my strengths as a writer.
I think the hardest part of being a writer is the fact that we are so critical of ourselves, so that 90% of the time we aren't even aware what we're good at. I think it's important you sit down, especially if you're doubting your writing abilities, and put your strengths on paper. If you're feeling REALLY shitty, ask an honest friend what it is that makes your writing so "you". So here's a list of what I (and good friends) consider my strengths:

• Prose
• I've been told I'm particularly good at this, or at least attempt to be good at it. I feel like I base this solely on the fact that I read a lot of prose, and learn from what I read.
• One-liners
• A creative writing teacher once wrote on a draft of mine that I was exceptional at one-liners. This brought me immense joy, and I'm still proud of this compliment to this day. 
• Beginnings
• I always find my beginnings to be my strongest part of my writing, and also the easiest for me to pick up. They hold the most passion in my story.
• Dialogue
• My high school creative writing teacher once shared with me that my dialogue was realistic and real. Yay! 
• Evoking emotion
• I asked my friend just now what I'm good at writing wise, and she said, "I don't know, it just makes me feel."

Maybe I have more strengths, but as of right now I'm not really aware of them. I'm proud of what I'm good at, and I'm not ashamed of the things I'm not so good at! 

**what are some of your strengths??**

you are a sunset

“People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.” - Carl R. Rogers

When I read this quote, I feel a sense of peace. We are just as beautiful as sunsets, and I think we forget that a lot. We forget that people are beautiful and stunning and special and one-of-a-kind and breath-taking. We forget that we're all these things, and we look in the mirror and pick at things we hate, and we walk past girls on the street and pick at things we hate about them, and it's a never ending circle of over-analyzing everyone.

I try and go every day with noticing one thing I love about myself. I was never self-conscious as a little girl, or into my pre-teen years. I wasn't really that self-conscious throughout high school either, but I was acutely more aware of how a shirt fit me, or if my smile looked good in a selfie or not. And I never want to be one of those people who rant about social media and how it's ruining our youth or whatever, but I do see how selfies and taking pictures of myself affect the way I see myself. 

I think as I get older I get more frustrated with how I feel about myself. Which is normal, and I just have to pull myself back and remember that I am who I am for a million reasons, and that's just fine.

And when you look at someone, and feel the need to  pick apart their image, you're doing it all wrong. 

My favorite part of this quote is, "I watch with awe as it unfolds", because I think we forget to look at people, and the way their eyes light up when they talk about something they love, or when they cry at movies, or how someone's laugh can make them the most beautiful human being on earth. I think we forget to stop and watch the beauty of someone being THEM. Personally, I don't think there's anything beautiful than getting to know someone, and as I go through this time in my life where I am meeting so many new people, it feels like watching sunsets, getting to see people become more themselves the longer I get to know them. 

So appreciate sunsets and appreciate people and realize how similar the two are, and watch in awe at just how beautiful it all is.