home

“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”- Sarah Dessen

While I've been away at college, I've been thinking of what defines 'home'. I've thought about this every time I ask my roommate, "When are you coming home?" or when someone asks me, "I'll drop you off at home" or, "Hey, I just got home!"

It's weird to think that I have more than one home now, that I'll probably have more than one home for the rest of my life. I don't know if I feel at home here just yet, but it's becoming more and more comfortable each day, and I don't think it's my body adjusting to it. I think it's more than familiarity that changes what you call home. It's people. I wouldn't feel at home if I had never made friends.

And it's odd to think that anywhere in this entire world can be my home. I'm at this weird life-limbo, where I can end up anywhere at this point, depending on where life drags me. I like that while at the same time, it scares the hell out of me. 

Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, maybe I don't need to define everything in my life so quickly. I feel that way about a lot of things; defining my career, my friendships, my passions. I always feel like I need to be 100% sure of everything, when that's just not possible when you're 18 living on your own for the first time. 

But back to what I was saying about home. Like the quote above says, home is a moment. I feel at home when I'm laughing until I feel like I'm going to pee my pants with my best friends. Home is when I hug someone I haven't seen in months. Home is where my family is, but it's also where my heart is. And maybe I'm just too sentimental of a person, but I feel like I keep the places I go in my heart all the time, and build this 20 story building of homes in my heart, and I keep it all there. 

I like the idea of that; I'll always have somewhere to call home. 

strengths

I haven't felt very comfortable trying to give advice here, because I am deeply unqualified to be advising ANYONE on anything, but I thought it would at least be okay to talk about my strengths as a writer.
I think the hardest part of being a writer is the fact that we are so critical of ourselves, so that 90% of the time we aren't even aware what we're good at. I think it's important you sit down, especially if you're doubting your writing abilities, and put your strengths on paper. If you're feeling REALLY shitty, ask an honest friend what it is that makes your writing so "you". So here's a list of what I (and good friends) consider my strengths:

• Prose
• I've been told I'm particularly good at this, or at least attempt to be good at it. I feel like I base this solely on the fact that I read a lot of prose, and learn from what I read.
• One-liners
• A creative writing teacher once wrote on a draft of mine that I was exceptional at one-liners. This brought me immense joy, and I'm still proud of this compliment to this day. 
• Beginnings
• I always find my beginnings to be my strongest part of my writing, and also the easiest for me to pick up. They hold the most passion in my story.
• Dialogue
• My high school creative writing teacher once shared with me that my dialogue was realistic and real. Yay! 
• Evoking emotion
• I asked my friend just now what I'm good at writing wise, and she said, "I don't know, it just makes me feel."

Maybe I have more strengths, but as of right now I'm not really aware of them. I'm proud of what I'm good at, and I'm not ashamed of the things I'm not so good at! 

**what are some of your strengths??**

mattering

During my senior year of high school, my AP Literature teacher assigned us the "This I Believe.." assignment (link to the website: http://thisibelieve.org/). I was immediately excited about it, because it was one of the first "creative" assignments we had all year. This was the outcome.

Mattering

This I believe is true: “What matters to you defines your mattering.”

It is the belief that someone or something has the power to change you, the power to move you, and the power to define you. I have spent the last 18 years of my life trying to define my mattering. Who am I? What makes me me? I’m still not sure who I am, and that’s okay. It’s okay to not know where I’m going, or what I’m going to do, because I know what matters to me and I know that I matter. I used to struggle with the idea of being “average”. I struggled with the idea that I didn’t have a right to struggle. I thought my life was too “good” to have a right to complain about anything.

“There are kids in Africa dying, you know?”

“Be grateful.”

“You’re lucky.”

“Your family is perfect, I’m so jealous.”

This is what I defined my mattering as. I believed I didn’t have the right to be sad, angry, or feel like life isn’t fair. I let these things define me, I let them tell me who I could and could not be. I let them dull my feelings and deemed them less important. I let them lessen my mattering.

This was wrong.

I can move mountains with my words; my words can start revolutions, move people, and make someone feel something. One day I will see my name on the cover of a Bestseller. One day I will change at least one person’s life. This matters to me.

Words, music, and the people I surround myself with; these define my mattering. It is the way a pencil felt against the thick journal pages when I first started writing when I was 9 and the stories I’ve carried with me to this day. It is the books I read when I was 10 and it is the books I read now. It is the songs that make me cry and the songs I can’t help singing in the car (no matter how much I hate them). It is the friends I had in second grade, and it is the friends I have now. It is the best friends I don’t talk to anymore, the ones I still love, even if I avoid them in the halls. It is the boy I’ve grown up with for the last 3 years, and it is the boy who I will spend the rest of my life with one day. It is the image I have of myself; that I can do what I love and love who I am.

These are the things that define me. These are the things that matter. It is not their opinions of me; it is not my struggles or my successes or how others define these struggles and successes. I define myself.

And this I believe

 is me. 

cheating on my manuscript

I know, the the title is oh so scandalous. Yes I'm cheating on my manuscript. I can't help it, it just needed to be done.
I haven't said a lot about my main manuscript, because I don't want to give any information away if I one day (hopefully) get it published. So all that I'll really say is it's an untitled realistic fiction piece I've been working on for about a year now, which is weird to say because I feel like I've been writing it since the day I could type a full sentence.
But as I mentioned in a previous post, I hit a roadblock in the middle of my manuscript. Well, more like the middle of the beginning, I'm not really sure where I am in regards to beginning, middle, and end. Which is fine, it's a new story, I'm still growing and learning and figuring the whole thing out. However, I got to a point where the thought of writing it DISGUSTED me. So I took a leap and I starting writing a YA novel idea that my older sister and I came up with. The only word I can think to describe it is fresh. It's really fresh, and likeable. I could really picture it going somewhere.
So I pulled up a blank document, and started writing it. Obviously, I don't know what I'm doing yet. I like what I'm writing, but I don't know if the voice is what we want. I don't know if it's too cliche, or predictable. I can't tell if my character is pretentious or not, I don't even know major points for each of the characters.
But the point is, I had fun writing it. It was really fun, and I whipped out a good 2,000 words in a matter of 15 minutes, just because I wasn't over thinking, I was just writing. And it might not even go anywhere, I may never look at it again, but it made me love writing because I was starting something new, and I love writing the beginnings, it's always the middle and the end that trip me up. So obviously I'll suck it up, and I'll keep writing my untitled manuscript, because that's my baby, and I'll always go back to it. But I will, every once in a while, take a little visit to my mistress of writing.
So for all of you feeling guilty for "cheating" on your manuscript, don't feel bad.
We all need it sometimes.

P.S. please do not take this advice if it refers to ANYTHING other than writing, I don't condon cheating on your partner, just putting that out there.

**Having any trouble with your manuscripts? Feeling like you may need a little escape?**

understanding

“There’s nothing wrong with not understanding yourself.” - Jonathan Safran Foer

Another quote post; this should surprise you all less and less as you get to know me. I felt personally connected to this one when I stumbled upon it on tumblr. I think so often people feel like they need to have their lives together, especially at my age (18), from the time we were 16 and being told to pick our future college, we've thought we had to have it all figured out.

I have never agreed with this. I haven't even lived half as long as the average human being, there's so much I haven't learned. So why do I, and every student I know, feel like we have an obligation to have our shit together? Because lord knows we don't, we just pretend to.

So I am telling everyone (including myself) that there is NOTHING wrong with not understanding myself. I may live to be 102 and still never fully understand who I am or who I want to be. And that's fine. We are all here climbing the same mountain, and we're all a little lost sometimes. I believe that not understanding yourself can even be a good thing. Not understanding yourself means it's time for some exploration, maybe a little adventuring; it's a time to TRY NEW THINGS! (I'd like to pat myself on the back for trying something new aka this blog).

Look, my point is this: Do not let someone tell you that you have to understand yourself to move forward in life. We are always moving, changing, growing, and in turn we are constantly losing understanding for who we are. And hey, if you feel content and feel like you have full control of your understanding, good for you! I only hope the rest of us can get on your level some day.

I'm rambling now, but I do believe that there should be no shame in having no idea what you're doing with your life. Whether you're 15, 18, or 102, keep being you, exploring your understanding, and I promise you have nothing to worry about.

**what are your thoughts on this quote?? I'd love to hear**